it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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