On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
