Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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