I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize