I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
