Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
