im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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