You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
