I must be too annoying 4 u.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
two words: eviction party
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
