Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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