At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
