Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
