Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
