Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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