I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
