Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Pants are for mortals
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
