Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
