Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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