I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize