Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
