just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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