He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
