i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
