oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize