i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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