You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
