DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
