so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
