i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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