Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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