So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
