I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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