I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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