at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
