I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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