then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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