I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Every concussion has its silver lining
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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