Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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