I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
