I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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