i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize