we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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