i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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