We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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