yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Pooping to opera.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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