I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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