Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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