if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
