He asked me if I "almost moaned"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
