i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
