having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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