she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
