Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
