omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
