i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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