the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize