dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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