Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
