Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
