What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
