There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize